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Humor Archives

Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow. -- Oscar Wilde
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself. -- James Thurber

True humor is fun - it does not put down, kid, or mock. It makes people feel wonderful, not separate, different, and cut off. True humor has beneath it the understanding that we are all in this together. -- Hugh Prather

When you are laughing, you can't feel the pain. -- Bill Purdin

The evidence is really now quite convincing that male circumcision is effective at preventing HIV among men. -- Kevin De Cock, Director, HIV-AIDS, World Health Organization.

Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow. -- Oscar Wilde

There are two kinds of humor: amusing and abusing. In the former everyone laughs. -- Bill Purdin

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike. -- William Shakespeare

At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities. -- Jean Houston

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world.
-- George Bernard Shaw
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. -- Dave Barry

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh. -- Jay Leno

We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true. -- Robert Wilensky

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.' -- Theodore Roosevelt

If you don't know what to do with many of the papers piled on your desk, stick a dozen colleagues' initials on 'em, and pass them along. When in doubt, route.
-- Malcolm Forbes

Never judge a book by its movie. -- J. W. Eagan

In golf all that matters is whether you win the hole or not. And, thank God, it's NOT how you play the game. -- Doug Petersen (a 28+ handicapper)

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. -- E. E. Cummings

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. -- Victor Borge

It isn't so astonishing the number of things I can remember, as the number of things I can remember that aren't so. -- Mark Twain

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

When everything is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
-- Larry the Cable Guy

It's really wonderful to be here today in the great state of Chicago.
-- Former Vice President Dan Quayle

Notice appearing in the Warrenton Times, Warrenton, Virginia, yesterday--

IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of the hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our "Easy Sky Diving" book advertised recently, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should be changed to "pull rip cord."

640K ought to be enough for anybody. -- Bill Gates, 1981

Things are more like they are now than they ever have been.
-- President Gerald Ford

Warning! Do not put head inside towel loop.
-- Sign on the towel dispensers on the Washington State Ferries.

It's time for the human race to enter the solar system. -- Vice President Dan Quayle

I don't make predictions. I never have and I never will. -- Prime Minister Tony Blair

This is the earliest I've ever been late. -- Yogi Berra, excusing himself for showing up late to a meeting.

The only problem with being punctual is that there is never anyone there to appreciate it. -- Anonymous

People that are really very weird can actually get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. -- Vice President Dan Quayle.

"I am not part of the problem, I am a Republican." -- Vice President Dan Quayle.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -- Mae West

Never put off until tomorrow that which you can do today. -- Benjamin Franklin
Never do today that which you can put off until tomorrow. -- Arron Burr
Never put off until tomorrow that which you can do the day after tomorrow.
-- Mark Twain

Teacher to student: "Name two pronouns."
Student to teacher: "Who? Me?"

Seen on the T-Shirt of a teenager's Dad: "
Human ATM Machine"

Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more. -- Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. -- Jackie Gleason

Subtlety is saying what you think and then sitting down before anyone knows what you really meant.

If you go to heaven
You will likely view
Many folks whose presence there
Will be a shock to you.
But just keep very quiet;
Don't even stare.
Doutbless there'll be many folks
Surprised to see you there.

-- Edgar Bernhard

The problem with my budget is that at the end of the money, there's too much month left. -- Anonymous

If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign? -- Albert Einstein

If you aim high, you can't shoot yourself in the foot. -- Anonymous

Sometimes you don't realize how true country songs are until you find yourself in the middle of one. -- Hank Williams, Jr.

The secret to life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made! -- Groucho Marx

The world began on the twenty-third of October in four thousand four B.C., at 9:00 in the morning precisely. -- Bishop Usher

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors -- and miss.
-- Lazarus Long, (1912- _____ )

Subject: Recommendation Letter

To whom it may concern:

While working with Mr. Murthy, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chit-chatting in the cafeteria. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Murthy should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to administration be
sent as soon as possible.

Branch Manager


Branch Manager

I went to a bookstore today and asked the manager where the self-help section was. She said, "If I told you that would defeat the whole purpose."
~ Brian Kiley, American comedian

Advertising is that device which makes you think you have longed all your life for something you have never heard of before. ~ Anonymous

The loss of life will be irreplaceable.
~ Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy.
But that could change. ~Dan Quayle

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
~ Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Some Of Dilbert's Laws Of Work

A pat on the back is only centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
There will always be a beer can rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
You will always be doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Whoever shall be found observing any such day as Christmas or the like, either by forbearing labor, feasting, or any other way, as a festival, shall be fined five shillings. -- Massachusetts Bay Colony General Court

Teachers Get Paid Too Much!

I'm fed up with teachers and their hefty salary guides. What we need is a little perspective. If I had my way, I'd pay these teachers myself...I'd pay them babysitting wages. That's right... instead of paying these outrageous taxes, I'd give them $3.00 an hour out of my own pocket. And I'm only going to pay them for five hours, not coffee breaks. That would be $15.00 a day. Each parent should pay $15.00 a day for these teachers to babysit their children. Even if they have more than one child, it's stilll a lot cheaper than private day care.

Now how many children do they teach a day - maybe twenty?
That's $15.00 x 20 = $300.00 a day. But remember, they only work 180 days a year! I'm not going to pay them for all those vacations. $300 x 180 = $54,000. (Just a minute, I think my calculator needs batteries.)

I know now you teachers will say what about those who have ten year's experience and a Master's degree? Well, maybe (to be fair) they could get the minimum wage, and instead of just babysitting, they could read the kids a story. We can round that off to about $5.00 an hour, times five hours, times 20 children. That's $500 a day times 180 days. That's $90,000...HUH? Wait a minute, let's get a little perspective here. Babysitting wages are too good for those teachers. Did anyone see a salary guide around here????

-- Author unknown (printed in a Dallas newspaper)

-- Just some bumper stickers noticed while driving around

The following were statements found on insurance forms wherein drivers have attempted to summarize accident details in the fewest possible words.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with trees I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it's intention.

I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

A truck backed through my windsheild into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into the telephone pole.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentelman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

Festive Fruitcake Recipe

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar lemon juice nuts
1 gallon whiskey
[Note: Rum may be substituted for whiskey.]

1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
2. Take a large bowl.
3. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
3. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
4. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
5. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
6. Turn off mixer.
7. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
8. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
9. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
10. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
11. Check the whiskey.
12. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
13. Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
14. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
15. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of he window.
16. Check the whiskey again.
17 Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?

PROVIDENCE, RI -- If Rhode Islanders didn't have their Christmas decorations down by noon yesterday, a special police unit called "DOOD" would come calling to collect a $25 fine.

That's what radio station WWBB-FM reported on its morning-drive program. Hundreds of panicky people called state and municipal offices as well as news organizations, asking if the report was true.

But it was a hoax.

The gag led to an on-air apology and a one-day suspension of the station's morning-drive crew.

The pranksters were morning show hosts Daria Bruno and Tiffany Hill, who warned that under a new law, Rhode Islanders had until noon Friday to remove Christmas decorations from their houses or face the fine.

Listeners heard the law would be enforced by a new police unit called the Department of Outdated Decorations, or DOOD.

"After we did the one newscast, we were going to yank it and say we were just kidding," Bruno said. "Then the phone calls started coming in like mad and we said, 'Wow, we've hit on something.' Then, it just sort of took on a life of its own."

About 180 listeners called the Governor's office asking about the report. "I was told that one of the callers was someone who thought she had to leave work to take down her Christmas decorations," a spokesman for the Governor stated.

The station in its apology stated, "We always talk about ways to get more people to listen to the morning show, but this clearly got out of hand." (The Boston Globe)

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