I've heard it said that certain kinds of people always seem to own the same breed of dog. Upon reflection, this seems to be true; in fact, many of them actually resemble their dogs, or vice-versa. And after many years of cruising, I've also discovered a similar phenomenon among boat owners. It is always a certain class who takes up kayaking, for example, just as other types are drawn to bicycling, or roller-blading, or motorcycling. In fact, now that I think about it, each category of boat appears to attract a brand of people specific exclusively to it.

For example, the Buffington Sloan, III's and J. Ashley Roachcliffe's of the world are definitely sailing types. Sailors, who generally have more money than any other type of boat owner, also tend to be the, shall we say, most frugal. They are the ones who we find driving a $500,000 Hinkley through pea-soup fog with their wives standing in the bow blowing a ten dollar fog horn -- you know, those galvanized things with the wooden mouthpieces. ("Say, dockmaster... Could we have ten gallons of diesel fuel and 400 gallons of water, please?")

In order to own a Cigarette or Formula, one needs a tattoo, and must always be accompanied by a well-endowed, exquisitely tanned, peroxide blondwearing a string bikini (and also a tattoo). Such people also have no sense of hearing; it has long since been ruined by the horrific thrumm- thrumm-thrumming of those huge unmuffled engines. (God forbid, they should install a pair of mufflers and sacrifice a knot or two, or a couple of horsepower.) These boats are never driven fast during the day; the

daylight hours are spent idling past the local marinas, to show off their boats (or possibly the blond with the tattoo - I haven't figured out which.) Much later, usually just as you are trying to go to sleep, you can hear them doing fifty miles per hour out in the dark somewhere, keeping everybody on shore awake as they do so, and burning up several hundred gallons of fuel. These people, are definitely not conservationists. Incidentally, they all drive Firebirds or Harley Davidsons when ashore.

Silvertons, Bayliners and Sea Rays may be purchased only by people who have no experience whatever in boat handling or operations. It is a requirement to always leave your fenders hanging out -- especially when
under way - though I've never been able to figure out why, as they generally make their landings on the
side opposite where the fenders are hanging. Even with
twin screws and a bow thruster, they make each landing an exciting event to watch. The women on these boats all dye their hair but have a half-inch of roots showing, smoke cigarettes, and have raspy voices.

The age requirement for a Grand Banks is at least 70, but older is better. There are some newer models of this boat that actually are capable of exceeding nine knots, but they are not in much favor yet. Many of the owners spend exorbitant amounts of money each year making certain that thetransom, rails, and all the brightwork on the boat are meticulously varnished - and then they cover it all up with blue terrycloth.

Makos and Aquasports are always owned by young families with several children, at least two of which are crying at any given time. These people seem to have the most fun of all. They anchor in a quiet cove on a Sunday
afternoon, then proceed to grill chicken and drink beer, while the children float around on inner tubes and the dog barks at them continuously. Sometimes the dog stops barking and jumps into the water, where he swims around frantically until somebody grabs his collar and pulls him back into the boat, where he shakes and throws water all over everybody and the grilled chicken.

The (pardon the expression) "lobster yachts" are owned by wealthy, old yanks, all of whom appear undernourished and wear baggy chinos (khaki pants), green plaid Pendleton shirts and Sperry topsiders with white wool socks. The men wear round, horn-rimmed or steel-rimmed glasses, though some have no rims at all. They smoke Captain Black in their pipes as they sit in the cockpit in teak deck chairs, with green or blue canvas that perfectly matches the color of the topsides. There is no chrome on these boats; all the hardware, including the ports, is brass or bronze. Those khaki fisherman's hats with the long black bills are also approved, as are rumpled, old Navy sailor caps (but the brim must be turned down over the ears.) The wives are all wrinkly and wear no makeup whatsoever. They have short, very straight gray hair, mustaches. They, too, wear steel-rimmed spectacles and are built like Olive Oil. These people never drink alcoholic beverages where anybody can see them doing so. Nor do they talk loudly enough to be heard outside their own boat, and having fun or laughing is strictly prohibited except, perhaps, for an occasional chuckle. Ashore, they are usually seen driving around in an antiquated pickup truck.

Along the New England coast almost all the wharf rats between the ages of 8 and 12 have wooden, flat-bottom skiffs, which they steer using
extensions on the handles of their outboards. These kids are never, ever seen driving
while sitting down. On the other hand, Buffington Sloan's and J. Ashley Roachcliffe, III's children drive about in overpowered, very well-equipped Boston Whalers, and would never be caught dead in a wooden skiff. Neither they nor the wharf rats are known to associate, and each group is quite disdainful of the another.

In order to own one of those beautifully-restored rowing dories, or the dinghies with the elegant wineglass transoms, you must have gray hair and a beard.

Though rare today, one occasionally sees a restored classic mahogany lake boat. These boats, manufactured by companies like Chris-Craft and Shepard, were very popular during the 40's and 50's, especially on fresh water. Today they are only operated by older gentlemen, who always wear Harris tweed jackets and a bow tie. They also smoke Captain Black. These boats are very fast, but the gentlemen who own them prefer only drive at idle speed.

And kayak owners? They are all vegetarians who buy things in health food stores and drink carrot juice. Oh, yes, and none of the women wear makeup, pluck their eyebrows or shave their legs.